How to Deal With Discussion Forum Flames

Unfortunately, flames are a part of the everyday reality of discussion forums. Not knowing how to dealwith them is like not knowing how to defend yourself ifyou're walking through a part of town where you knowthere is trouble lurking.
Luckily, forums aren't nearly as dangerous as your local ghetto.

Why People FlameThere are 3 main reasons that people construct flameposts.

They are:#1 – They are perceiving an injury or loss, and theybelieve that you are the one who's responsible for the pain they are feeling... so they want to counter attackto make themselves feel

better.#2 – They are in an emotional state when they are writing their post, and they aren't thinking about thelong-term consequences of their actions.

#3 – They are imagining themselves as the victim of what ever situation they are in, and they are imagining that YOU are their victimizer.Now that you know why people flame, let's talk about...How to Handle ThemThe first thing you need to know is that you can't fight fire with fire… no matter how cool it sounds when you say that. That stuff usually only works in the movies.In real life, you have to fight fire with water.

Here's my five-step process for doing just that.
This has been tested and proven in dozens of situations.

STEP #1 – You have to write two text documents. The first one will be a private email that you send to them, and the second will be a response to their post on the forum itself.

SIDENOTE: You have to write both of these at the sametime, because you're going to be sending them at thesame time.

STEP #2 – When writing to them, tell them that you understand how they could feel the way they feel, but that their feelings are based on a misunderstanding.

STEP #3 – Point out the specific errors in their post,and gently correct them. Fill them in on the information that they are missing or that they misinterpreted.

STEP #4 – Tell them how you will fix the problem, andthen instruct them on how to fix the mistake they made by flaming you on the forum. Explain to them that you are forwarding their post to your attorney (but only say this if you mean it), and that you would like their contact info if they don't plan on doing step five.Speaking of which...

STEP #5 – Politely ask them to apologize to you publicly on the forum, and explain to the people who are following the thread that he/she made a mistake.

WORD OF WARNING – Don't go around making legal threats to people just because you're angry about their flame. If you don't actually have a lawyer, then don't tell people you're going to have your lawyer contact them. Going the legal route is some thing best saved for last resort. Also, one other thing… make sure you take a screen shot of their post, and save it. It would also be smart tocopy and paste their post into a text file, because the moderators might delete the entire thread before you can save the evidence.

In Conclusion...

The key to handling flames is to not take it personally, and to act quickly before the damage spreads.

BONUS TIP – One last thing that might help you craftyour reply to the person who wrote the flame… tell themthat you ALSO hate it when people do to you what hethinks you did to him. For example:If someone flamed you for not responding to an email ontime, you can say, "I hear ya... I hate it when people don't get back to me quickly either. I've been away ata conference for two days, and I wasn't able to get tomy email account until just now."Of course, don't say this if it's not true, but I think you get the idea.Make sure you book mark this page as a reference in case you ever find yourself at the receiving end of a nasty forum flame.